preparing to travel = complete chaos of mind
i can deal with disorganized rooms and cluttered space. When i prepare to travel, my brains spins and i find an inability to focus on one thing for more than two seconds. i feel as though my brain is trying to expand and consume the world. i fear leaving something behind. i fear the uncertainty ahead. i loathe fear. i'm a disorganized mess of agonized thinking.
the heat doesn't help.
this is the moment where one stands on the ledge of a deep abyss of water. one knows that the water is deep enough to dive, but one cannot see through the dark depth. fear claws at one's throat and one's heart does an african dance within one's ribcage. it takes one foot to propel the entirety of one's body careening through the air and then the cool unknown waters reach up to meet one's flying body. the unknown becomes known.
i need a drink.