Pages

Showing posts with label Chronicles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chronicles. Show all posts

Sunday, May 13, 2012

and The Plan is...

"So now that you're graduated, what are your plans?"
I join my fellow graduates in the starry-eyed, blank stare. We blink. We respond, "That's a great question." Quick. Check the attentivity (I am aware that this is not a "real" word) of our audience before rambling into our long monologue of options that have only a 10% chance of happenstance.
Courtesy of here
For the past 22 years of my existence, I've been riding the always ascending escalator of education. And now, I have been ceremoniously (remember that terribly long graduation ceremony with all its Pomp and Circumstance) dumped off the top of this escalator of education. I thought this education was going somewhere. Now, I'm left milling around in a vacant warehouse that leads to everywhere (ever hear the overly-optimistic admonition "the whole world is open to you"?). If the whole world is in fact open to me, where are all the employers beckoning me and travel agencies offering to fly me around the world? Oh, I see them...over there getting swarmed by other college graduate hopefuls. Hmm. Okay. Well, I could crawl through all the feet to get to Dream Employers and Travelers...or I could do something else...
Huh. What's this? I'm looking down at my feet to see bits of paper all over this echoing warehouse full of recent grads trying to find where the whole world is open. I pick one up.
"Meet Mr. Right, Get Married right out of school."
I pick up another.
"Graduate with a job offer to Random House."
And another.
"Become a teacher."
Bits of dreams scattered around this warehouse where all dreams are supposed to come true, but it only appears that these dreams have been discarded--left behind to be crushed under foot.
Welcome to Life. Dream Crusher. Reality Mover.
Depressing, right? So now that my dreams have been crushed and my plans disintegrated, where do I go from here? And I'm wandering around staggered from the sudden lack of upward climb that has been dragging me through life's existence for years--now, what.
All along. There's been no plan. My parents didn't have a plan. Ha. That's why my dad's maxim is "one day at a time." That totally makes sense.
So what's my plan? Hmmm. I'm going to get married tomorrow. To who? Eh. Whatever. One day at a time. Maybe I'll go back to school or nanny...or dance in the rain...or something. I'll do something. Nope, I'm not worried. Everyone's making it up as they go. I will, too.
So my plan. I have no plan.

Friday, March 30, 2012

I wonder at myself

I wonder at myself. What has happened to me? I used to be such an avid blogger with at least ten blogs per week. What has happened?

And then, senior year happened with a vengeance.

I type this to you make-up-less, sleep-less, paper-less (meaning that I haven't written the paper that I was meant to write), but friend-full.

I'm not done with this year yet; but, it has been deliciously good.

And if you've spent a moment wondering at my disappearance, don't worry too long but just nod your head in understanding of the craziness of life.

May the end of your March be fanciful and the beginning of your April lived by faith.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Captivation: Ruth

Like every other little girl in my Sunday school class, I wanted to find a Bible story heroine to emulate. Esther was too fancy and dramatic for me. My sister already shared judge Deborah’s name so I couldn’t choose her. Sarah laughed at God—probably not a good example to follow. And then, I met Ruth.

She shared my grandmother’s name. She was loyal, persistent, faithful, trusting, and lovely. In times of difficulty rather than choose the security of her father’s home and possible remarriage, she bound herself to Naomi. Why would she do that? Naomi freed her, but Ruth persisted. Why would Ruth choose to go to Bethlehem and possibly never return to her people? Why would Ruth choose to be the distrusted foreigner and the willing servant of Naomi? Why would Ruth choose Yahweh?

I didn’t know. I wanted to know. And so every year, I come back to the story of Ruth. And each time, I love her more. To me, Ruth lives out the definition of a Proverbs 31 woman although for the majority of her story we only know her as a widow. Life has been hard for her; yet, she still chooses to trust in Naomi and ultimately Yahweh.

My sophomore year at Bethel sitting under a mosquito net in Jarabocoa, Dominican Republic, I threw myself into the Bible. Rather than being a part of the Bethel experience like all of my friends, I lived with a Dominican family, struggled with a new language, and taught preschoolers in this new language. It was hard. I thought I would love every second of it. I didn’t. Paul’s letters comforted me even from 2000 years away. And Ruth, she gave me perspective.

I saw her working the fields of Boaz missing her family and the land where she was accepted. I saw Ruth’s tears that surely sprinkled the ground of the fields in her weaker moments as she realized that she would never return to Moab. When people called her cruel names, I recognized her resolute tensing of jaw and her eyes trained forward. I felt joy bloom in my own heart as Boaz showed her favor.

And I knew that in less than three months, I would return to my family, my country, my comfort zone—but forever leave Ruth in her foreign land. No longer would I deal with culturally confusing and bemusing things, but Ruth was destined to continue her struggle. Yet, Ruth had new hopes and dreams founded in this land where she would still always be stamped a foreigner simply because of her physical appearance. Ruth was different. So was I—in the D. R. She comforted me with her steadfastness. She set an example of cheerful obedience. She caused me to ask the question, “Would I voluntarily leave my family and culture forever to follow God?”

I don’t know. I do know that I desire to surrender the entirety of my life to Yahweh. If that means truly fulfilling the meaning of the name Barbara, so be it. As 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “And we, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” I want to live a life unveiled before man and God so that all may see my transformation into His image.

Ruth lived out quiet surrender of her own desires. For most of my life, I have hated the word “surrender”. To me, it was weakness. To me, it meant allowing others to call you mean names. No, I wanted to be a strong, independent woman. Imagine my surprise when I looked over my life and realized that every good thing in my life came after I surrendered.

Ruth surrendered her old life. She resigned whatever reputation she had in her own land. Ruth submitted her hopes of marriage to a Moab man when she left. She yielded to her mother-in-
law’s dreams of home. Voluntarily, Ruth relinquished the security of her culture.

God noted all of this. He raised her up. He gave her Boaz. He blessed their marriage
with children. And then, God permitted her to be a part of the bloodline for Jesus.

When I see Ruth’s life and her voluntary surrender, I recognize a woman that I want to emulate. As a side note, Ruth’s name means “friendship” stemming from Hebrew. I wonder if her name was always Ruth or if she was renamed.

courtesy of Loaves&Fishes

Friday, January 13, 2012

Choking: A Reflection on Living

Life is a curious thing, but I find myself continually thankful to have a mini part of life. It is good to breathe and feel my lungs expand with cool air even as it burns past the place where water caught and choked me. Water gives life, but it can take life as well. These things make you think and wonder. Suddenly, even crappy days are worth being thankful for since there is always hope that the next day might be good or at least better.

You see, these thoughts stem from a happenstance that gained significance as the quiet wildness of the absolute need for breath to live seized my entire consciousness. Standing in the hallway outside of a meeting choking on laughter and unable to breathe because of water trapped in my throat, I raised my hands in desperation of appeal to no one in particular – perhaps to God or even in the desire that the prisoned water might trickle away from the knot that it had tied so completely around my throat.

In this moment, realization sent warning through my head. I stood alone in the hallway. If I could not gather air to my lungs, I might collapse. With no one to realize the danger until the sound of my body slamming against the floor alerted them to trouble and without the happy reassurance of the sound of my voice calling that all was well to allay the sudden fear of silence, they would scurry to my inert, un-breathing self. This could not happen.

Everything within screamed “Breathe! Stop laughing and try to breathe!” Try, I did. The knot of water would not loosen. I tried to gasp in air. Nothing. My chest painfully heaved. Air could not pass the wall of water in my throat. Tears clogged my eyes, and my body violently heaved in a last ditch effort to gain the air that suddenly made the difference between breathing and never breathing again.

The convulsion began at my abdomen and pounded through the rest of my body like a tsunami. From my mouth spewed the result of this bodily wave, and the cool necessity of my body’s longing filled my nose and my lungs. And I hoarsely laughed again, this time thankful to be able to laugh but embarrassed to have dumped the contents of my dinner on the hallway floor.

Through laughter and tear, I cleaned up the mess. And my friend said to me, “After this, we’ll either be tight or never be able to look at each other in the eye again.” Although the cause of this almost deathly laughter, she had also been the first to check when I had not returned to the room. She had come asking, “Are you okay?” to see me standing over a splash of puke with arms spread and body shaking as my first breath revitalized me after my recognition of possible death.

For now, I remember to be thankful for each breath because it hurts to breath as the air rasps across my throat – the place where the water knot sat. I want to live. I have every reason to live, to breathe, to laugh, and to spread this thankfulness to Jesus that my time on earth is not over.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Life is not what it seems

In a couple of months, the life that I know ends.
I know people have survived.
I mean there are so many post-graduates, right? They made it.
Didn't they?
Or do we only hear the success stories?
Jobs.
Apartments.
Cars.
Different Social Circles.
Life is not what it seems.
It's no where as secure as I thought.

Welcome to the New Year.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Living Lovely

Hands on the steering wheel and eyes trained on the road, I sat slouched in the driver’s seat headed towards home for a wedding. One of my best friends from high school sat next to me and her boyfriend lounged behind her in the backseat. Conversation flowed easily around school activities and life as we tried to make up for the months of minimal conversation and no visits. Sitting next to {J}, I could not help but notice that she and her boyfriend always seemed to be touching. Nothing was inappropriate. They just reveled in the other’s presence. An hour away from our destination, {J} climbed into the backseat with her boyfriend {P}. Suddenly, I became chauffer. I took the opportunity to ask them, “What have been the most challenging and growing thing about your relationship?” {P} thought for a moment and replied, “I have never been so known by another human being. It’s both good and terrifying.”

Reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan, a chapter that resonated deeply with me used this title, “When You’re in Love.” As far as I know, I have never been in love. Yet, I see what love looks like. My mother is forever serving the widows on my street by doing chores for them, bringing them food, and just visiting them. That is love. My father sits on the couch every night and rubs my mother’s feet. That is love. The chapter gave the example of Grandma Clara who spent many hours in prayer and how just the sight of that space “would bring joy-filled tears and a deep anticipation of the next morning spent kneeling in His presence” (Chan 100). Upon reading that, I circled it and wrote in the margin, “May I be like this please?” During the summer, I delighted in spending hours with Jesus. One specific occasion, my cousins grumbled at the amount of time I had spent in devotion to my Lord Jesus. I could only smile and say, “This time is so good because during the school year I just don’t have the amount of time that I want to spend with Jesus.”

via


When people see {J} and {P} together, their affection is apparent. If people cannot see their exchanged small smiles and eye connections, they can most definitely see their desire to be always touching. This is how I want to be with Jesus. I want my love for Him to be full of small smiles, heart connections, and hand holding.

Part of loving is giving. It means serving your neighbors, your friends, your spouse, and your co-workers. In the chapter entitled “Your Best Life … Later”, Chan talks about giving liberally and generously and God will bless it. With a red pen, I boxed this paragraph in writing beside it, “What does this look like?” Truly, I want to know what it is to give liberally and totally as often as possible. Giving of yourself and loving your neighbors is not easy. You have to go out of your way to find a way to serve those around you. When my family first moved into a new neighborhood, we knew no one. People did their own thing. Yet, when winter rolled around, my mom began a secret mission. When it snowed, we all bundled up and shoveled our elderly neighbors’ driveways. We were eventually found out, but not before we earned the name “Snow Angels.” My mother always had time to serve our neighbors. Now that I am not at home, I have to find new ways to serve. I don’t live in a neighborhood, but I do live in a community of a dormitory.

I deeply desire to be obsessed with Jesus and His heart. Francis Chan gives a “Profile of the Obsessed” in a chapter. With each section, I have underlined and scribbled notes by sections – each a plea that I might become a picture of this profile. Yet, it is so scary. Of course, I do not become obsessed in one day. It’s a step by step process of love. My father tells me often, “I love your mother more today than I did yesterday and even on our wedding day.” I always ask, “Really?” I just cannot believe that love can keep growing. My dad responds emphatically to my doubting question with a firm “yes”. If my father knew the difficulties, he would face in his marriage to my mom when they first started out he wouldn’t have been able to deal with it. Step by day, my dad loves my mom more deeply because of this daily journey. Human love is very different than the perfect love of a savior; however, this earthly love and examples of it from my parents have hugely influenced me to love more like Jesus in my own life.

Forever, I seem to disgust myself with my selfishness. Living in a family, you are always given a chance to serve family members. College is such a me-focused place. Of course, homework should be finished. Sleep is necessary. When I have the opportunity to serve, school seems to interfere. A lot of people would probably describe me as loving; yet, I know that I have so far to go. I desire to live in the Spirit and love people as Jesus did. If I love Jesus, generosity and obsession shall follow. Already, I love Jesus and I am generous while occasionally being obsessive. Of course, I want to be crazy in love with Jesus – that’s different than being a good person or good Christian.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Obladi Oblada

Here's the thing. I've never been more busy than I have this semester and some things have fallen by the wayside - like this blog. Every day, things happen and I think to myself, "I need to blog about that." Or a funny rambling thought will narrate my walk from dorm to class. Yet, I just don't have the time to blog it.

I am sorry. I am sorry for me and I am sorry for you since I like to be present in everything that I do.

Let me give you some snippets from my life:
+ On Tuesday, I put on vibrant red lipstick before I changed out of my pajamas. I may have bummed around the room doing homework and the like just in pajamas and lipstick for an hour or so.

+ On Sunday, I had three choir concerts. Yes, that is quite the feat. I also want to share with you all that I decided to wear teal India pants underneath my floor-length black choir dress. Only the girls knew of this unusual under-things for my dress.

+ This morning, I could have gone outside without a coat. But guess what, a cold front moved in. Therefore, by evening, I was shivering even in my coat.

+ On Saturday, I played with three kids at a host home. At the end of our playtime, the children were all proclaiming their love for me and saying, "Will you be our nanny?" I've never really considered being a nanny before.

+ I figured out recently that I'm taking an equivalent of 30-some hours of school and such. This is why you never see me on here anymore. I'm hoping for a respite mid-December.

Obladi Oblada.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Autumn Song

After a valiant struggle with my laptop over the installation of a new internet security program, I finally won. It took four hours. Did I ever mention that I'm not the most computer-savvy? Yeah, that would be my brother's realm. Also, I tend to be stubborn so I was not about to admit defeat to a computer that is basically a very smart inanimate object. So I didn't ask for help. Ergo, four hours later, I did a happy dance in the middle of my living space meaning that I fell over backwards with satisfaction onto the floor - to an onlooker, I might have appeared to be a dead possum. Staring at the ceiling, I sighed heavily before I started the scariness that is my homework.

Currently, I soothe the wrinkles that might have become permanently etched in my forehead by listening to Nat King Cole croon "Embrace me, you irreplaceable you." Perhaps I'll waltz around my kitchen space by myself - it might be reminiscent of an elephant - but, hey. We can't all be angelic ballerinas so pardon me while I go thump out a beat.

Embraceable You with Nat King Cole
Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you
Embrace me, you irreplaceable you

Just one look at you
My heart grew tipsy in me
You and you alone
Bring out the Gypsy in me

I love all the many charms about you
Above all, I want my arms about you

Don't be a naughty baby
Come to papa, come to papa do
My sweet embraceable you

I love all the many charms about you
Above all, I want my arms about you

Don't be a naughty baby
Come to papa, come to papa do
My sweet embraceable you

p.s. this post is called "Autumn Song" simply because I talk about a song and it happens to be October (wait. when did that happen?).

Sunday, September 25, 2011

misadventures.

Lately, my life has been a series of unfortunate events.

1. My phone took a dive into the toilet. Although we resuscitated it with the prescribed rice bed rest, the poor thing suffered a post traumatic stress disorder induced heart attack and died.

via

2. Phoneless, I got stood up at a date with a friend because I couldn't remind her via text that we were supposed to meet up. It's cool. I'm good at being alone most days.

via (no, i don't smoke)

3. After grocery shopping the other day, a gallon of 2% milk tried escaping my trunk. It did. It escaped, but it's side split as it came in contact with the concrete. The milk gushed all over my shoes and my friend's shoes.

via

4. I picked up my face wash pump and it slipped from my fingers falling to the floor. The neck of the bottle broke when it slammed into the bathroom floor. I'm just a killer of inanimate objects.

via (poor lil guy)

5. My friends and I went dumpster diving. We came back with a bag full of blue plastic forks and a spidery thing. Dumpster diving...the treasure hunt of college kids. Right. Do you want a blue fork? We've got plenty.

via

And now, I should stop. Why? Because if I keep writing, eventually I'll have to share all the good things that have happened in the past week or so. Not to mention that complaining can just be plain boring! Hopefully, this has given you a chuckle or two. If it hasn't...then, you'd better go back through this and laugh a little bit more.

I've learned that laughing makes the most terrible situations a little bit better.

so laugh already.

via

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Rainbow Signature

This morning, I rolled groggily out of bed to go jogging with a friend. As it draws closer to winter, it becomes more and more difficult to get out of bed so early in the morning with the cool darkness still holding the world. My friend and I jogged our usual. At the end of it, we were greeted by a splendid spillage of light streaming forth from the sun’s awakening.

We gasped in awe of the beauty streaking around us. When we turned back to return the way we had come, the contrast of sky struck us. We had jogged from darkness and had run to the light. Unfortunately, our path called us back to the darkness we had run from. As we walked, the light followed us - slowly overpowering the darkness.

As my friend and I approached the place where we would leave the river, a rainbow began its ascent into the sky. Every color of the rainbow stood out vibrantly – even a deep shade of indigo and violet. My friend and I wrapped our arms around each other. Gaping in awe and grinning in giddiness, she and I wondered at this colorful signature of God.

For it could be nothing less. We ran from darkness, but we were called back to it. And with our faithful steps, God promised that He would never leave nor forsake us. And then, HE signed the sky with a full arch of a rainbow and a gossamer gleam of another rainbow.

He is faithful.

via

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sweet Ignorance

People yearn for breaks from work, from life, from school, from family, from homework, from cooking, from writing, etc. For as much as they want it, once they have it they laze about the house with no desire to do anything but become a partial vegetable. Give them one or two days and their body becomes permanently molded to the couch. Their stomach bloats with uncooked foods and molded cheeses. While they sit immobilized in front of their 14th movie, their eyes glaze over like day old Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. Human being turned lard.

This is what Spring Break looks like for a boring college student. Of course, some college students pack up their junky little vehicles and head to the nearest ocean. While the rest of us college students’ lounge like new additions to our parent’s sofas, these ocean-bound sun seekers flock to the sand and sun like millions of sand fleas. Thoughts of homework skedaddle away like misshapen clouds and showering becomes semi-optional unless you happen to have a mother who demands daily hygiene.

By the end of Spring break, students yearn to return to school. Not because of homework or boredom but because they miss the crazy life of school and friends. College campuses breed a strange resort from the real world where everyone is the same age and spending hours doing homework that they’ll never look at ever again. Back at school, students overeat at the cafeteria, procrastinate at their homework, stay up to all hours of the night, and gallivant about campus with interesting members of the opposite sex.

Now, being of this set, I must say that we have many problems. However, I do not want to paint us as wholly lazy and insensitive to the real world around us. A few students take time to manage classes, homework, friends, work, and volunteer work. These students ambitiously pursue their dreams and encourage others to theirs. The college world although seemingly resort like carries many tastes of the real world with very real suicides, accidental deaths, self-injury, drinking, and drugs.

Reality oozes into college bubbles. Reality like a cruel monster breathes down the necks of many college students making them fear their graduation into the real world. After all, it’s nothing like what they have experienced before. Beware, Oh, College Students, of what is to come. Don’t run. It’ll come to you.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Fart Heard Around the Classroom

In middle school during my one year of “real” school, I attended a small Christian academy. Sixth grade is a ruthless year since everyone is bursting with hormones. Girls desperately desire to be women in the physical sense while boys are just beginning to really notice the girls around them. Sadly, these boys do not really catch up with the girls even in height until high school. I noticed this since I was the second tallest girl in my classroom. I mean it was great if I wanted to glare down a boy, but goo-goo eyes really had no effect since he’d have to look up at me. It kind of kills a guy’s macho manliness especially when they fight so hard for that reputation.

One day in my science class, I’m listening to the teacher intently from the first row. As much as I liked being near to the teacher, I hated the fact that I missed the shenanigans in the back of the classroom. Suddenly, in the deep realms of my intestines, I felt an ominous rumbling. Desperation pumped through my veins.

The unthinkable happened.

I farted in class.

The fart resounded like a gong as it exploded from my body. I froze as the horrid silence that follows such an embarrassment sizzled through the room. Humiliated, I waited tentatively for rejection by my classmates. The titters slowly took over the room as people recovered from their shock.

“Who farted?!” the class clown exclaimed.

I shrunk in my seat. Then, survival mode kicked in. My chin came up and I turned around in my seat surveying my classmate with a pretend confused shock in my eyes. The teacher had momentarily quieted in response to my mountainous fart.

My stomach squirmed as my nose made note of the toxic fumes that had escaped my body. Alarmed, I felt horrible for the boy sitting behind me. Secretly, I think he kind of liked me. Of course, I doubted he’d like me after being caught in my cloud of fart.

Surely, everyone knew the fart was mine. If the others didn’t, the boy behind me knew. Slowly, my body heat rose as my worry heightened. My classmates would find out the perpetrator soon and I would never live it down.

“It was Mark! Mark farted!!” The class clown declared.

My breath caught. The blame fell onto the boy sitting behind me. Simultaneously, relief and guilt spilled through my tense muscles.

The teacher called the class back to order and we turned back to the lesson. My brain apologized a million times to Mark, but my lips stayed sealed.

Mark never told.

When I think of that moment, I wish I could thank Mark for taking the blame for the fart heard around the classroom. He knew who farted, but he didn’t share it with my class. My humiliation never occurred. My guilt has subsided to be replaced by a huge gratitude.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Freshman Year Revisited: Languor



Boredom inspires words. I sit here in an empty dorm going completely insane. My only company is some music and a cell phone that occasionally vibrates when some friend remembers my existence. Ennui seems to rule my life. Overdramatic? Perhaps. Without drama, life would be horribly dull - just ask Austen. Elizabeth Bennett’s life would have been simple. She would have met Mr. Darcy fallen in love in due time and then been happily married. As it was, Miss Elizabeth Bennett had a mother that reveled in intrigue and drama. There was never a moment where Mrs. Bennett was not in the midst of some excitement. If it had not been for her mother’s drama queen abilities, Elizabeth would never have discovered that Mr. Darcy could separate and then bring lovers back together. Also, we would never have discovered his more admirable qualities. As it is, I still think he is a complete snob with a gloomy outlook on life.

Not only am I bored, but I am also held captive within my very own room by the very fact that there is water falling from the sky. I do think that it is a very bad day for the sky to choose to such a behavior. After all, you would think that the clouds would know that this girl has a bad case of cabin fever. Obviously, they don’t. You know what I think? I think that the world has ceased to revolve around me. For the longest time, I believed that if I snapped the world would crumble at my fingertips - to quote a good friend of mine, “Reality continues to ruin my life” (Calvin & Hobbes). My world has been successfully ruined. Thank you, world. I greatly appreciate this loss of childhood fantasy.

Wonderful. Oh, yes. I am bored. My tinker bell night light might as well stop shining. If it did, I wouldn’t clap my hands. Peter Pan can do it by himself. I will sit here with my arms crossed. It rained on my head. My flowers died. A cold found it amusing to torture me with a stuffed nose and multiple sneezes. I do believe that sneezes are a cold’s way of laughing at you. The best thing is that the cold uses you to create its laughter of a sneeze. SPLEN-did.

My homework sits undone and sprawled across the floor next to me. For all I care at this moment, it can just lay there. I will have no mercy upon it. It almost begs me to complete it. No way. It’s Friday. Any conscientious college student would be capable of ignoring the antagonizing whine of their homework until Sunday night. Unfortunately, mine has a pretty high pitched squeal that cannot help but irritate me. Like any good mother to their whinny child, I am considering giving in. Yet, I cannot do that. To give in would be to condone that type of behavior. Therefore, my homework will continue undone until she can stop bothering me.

When this type of ennui sets in, possibilities are endless. One could read a book, watch a movie, take a walk, talk on the phone to some long ignored friend, take a luxurious nap, come up with mathematical theories, solve something that doesn’t need solving such as Global Warming, invent a car powered by air, or sit and do absolutely nothing. Oh, the possibilities are endless. Sadly, I feel none of these. After much thought, I have decided that I want wings. My concentration is focused on my shoulder blades in hopes of growing my own set of wings. My forehead is scrunched with such deep focus that I will have horrible forehead wrinkles by the time my wings do emerge. I think my shoulder blades are tingling. I promise they are! When I shut my eyes, I can almost feel my wings slowly growing. They are very fast growing. My wings are oddly shaped and a strange color. The color is so odd that one cannot even see it. If I was as fantastic as the king in The Emperor’s New Clothes, I would convince the entire population of the world that I truly do have wings. Of course, it might prove detrimental if I was required to prove my ability of flight.

Have I thoroughly bored you with my ramblings? I do hope so because then I will not be so very alone! We can share the ennui together. Of course, I am no longer bored because I have just spent the better half of an hour writing this thoroughly ridiculous bunch of paragraphs. You know, I hope you did not just read all of this in hopes of finding something useful to do because obviously I have no good suggestions whatsoever. I have decided that ennui is a choice. I keep telling myself that I will endeavor to never complain of boredom and that I will try not to be bored. This is turning out to be a very difficult challenge. How could something so simple become so very challenging? I don’t know. Ask my planner. It will blankly stare at you. This expression of my planner’s terrifies me. That’s it! I think I am going to grab a sharpie and write nonsense all over my planner.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Making Friends in Blogosphere

As I acquaint myself with the blogging world, I have stumbled upon some treasures. These jewels can keep me distracted for sometimes up to an hour as I explore them. Therefore, since I enjoy them thoroughly, I thought I would share them with you all.

First, I find that I adore looking at comics with strange twists of perspective. When I find myself craving some amusement, I go to INCIDENTAL COMICS. My favorite comic so far has been the definition of a Productive Snow Day.

Second, I love reading personal blogs that hit on life issues. However, I do not want to read about how your new baby just discovered his nostril (your mother might like that, but i don't). Avidly, I read The Journey which is updated by Katie,an American single mother of thirteen African beauties. They reside in Africa.

As a hopeless romantic, I find that I cannot help but love a blog devoted to archaic pictures of black and white love. All types of love quotes are sprinkled throughout this blog. Want a quick dose of love or romance, take a peek at Kissssing.

An oldie but a goodie is a blog written by my friend, Greg. His blog partly inspired me to begin my own blog. Not only does his writing share life experience, it is carefully written and thought provoking. Introducing Questing for Wonder, a blog that started my own quest in writing.

My most recent finding in the blog world is a blog that has more than 5,000 followers. Yes, my jaw dropped. It is filled with pictures and thoughts that cry creativity. Also, as I shared the link with friends on facebook, I noticed that the link showed up with "hello, friend. you are loved." This small touch makes me instantly love this blog. Hello, Friend will be my new haunt for the next couple of days. Explore with me!

Treasures like these ought to be shared. I hope you enjoy looking about these blog sites. Also, I'd love to hear about the blogs that you love following!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Bittersweet Day

“Happy Valentine’s Day…or are you celebrating anti-valentine’s?” A friend asked me via text after I had sent her a quote about love.

“No. I celebrate love. I’ve come full circle. I used to hate it, but honestly, today is just another day for me.” I responded.

Valentine’s Day is a bitter day for singles. On this day of the year, their loneliness is amplified as they spend hours pitying their sorrow. My friend has been happily married for almost three years. In all the time that I have known her, I have never gone a date. I suppose that I have reason to be bitter against this holiday where romantic love is celebrated.

In my high school days, I hated Valentine’s Day. I dreamed of receiving red roses and having a boy shower me in attentions – that’s what I wanted. My friends talked about how their boyfriends were going to do all these things for them. I listened. I had nothing to say. I did not have a boyfriend or even a prospective boyfriend.

Since those days of toxic bitterness, my heart has changed. No longer do I tirade against the holiday of cupids and hearts. I celebrate love. Valentine’s Day might be a great time for stores to advertise silky red lingerie and chocolates; but for me, the day is about showing love to those that I love or who need to be shown love. Valentine’s Day commemorates the importance of love in our lives.

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran

Monday, February 7, 2011

A Celebratory Eve

After trekking across campus in almost knee deep snow with a venti chai tea latte in my hand, I arrived at my friend’s apartment. Once inside, I removed my snowy jeans since in the winter it is my custom to wear leggings for added warmth under all of my pants. With exuberance, I bounced downstairs to discover another friend reclining on her bed with a book in hand. We spent an hour catching up. After discussing the monotonies of life, she delved into her most recent date while I hung on her every word. As the conversation ebbed, Brittany and I decided to participate in the activity of the house.

While the blustery wind yowled outside, five girls sat contentedly in a sauna like room with homework and teaching assignments out. The temperature of the room seemed almost tropical and no one was permitted to turn the temperature down because there was a fear the electricity might go off. Instead of blankets and hot chocolate, we sat in summer ware and ate ice cream.

As the youngest in the room, I had class work to finish. However, all the other girls were working on creating class plans for the following day. Every other sentence seemed to be a wish for a snow day. One girl obsessively checked the listing of schools closed. With every refreshing of the page, another school was cancelled. As the snow fell in tiny bullets, the anticipation mounted. One by one each girl cheered as they discovered their school was closed. They would not student teach the following day. After all the girls except me had cheered in their snow day, one girl finally chirped, “Bethel College is closed.”

The pressures of tomorrow were eased.

Someone exclaimed, “We should watch a movie!”

“What type of movie?” I asked

“A chick flick. Definitely.” Another replied.

Before long, five college girls sat enraptured before a chick flick. Every once in a while someone expressed frustration at the television since it was beyond annoying with its buzzing and humming. Personally, I believe that the television was harmonizing with the wind. Once the movie ended, we all sat in contentment. No one needed to work. Our time was open and we were at a loss of what to do. Rarely did such a break explode upon our school weeks. We looked at our nails and some laptops popped open for instant amusement.

“Dennisse, would you paint my finger nails?” With that question, the entire room erupted in a chorus of similar questions. Nail polish appeared and little girl chatter ensued. To the music of our girlhood d.j.ed from youtube, we embarked on a night that was reminiscent of many middle school sleepovers. We celebrated the eve of a snow day.

As curfew approached, I worked quickly in designing my friend’s finger nails. In my head, I fought a battle of indecision. I had no idea if I wanted to go back to my apartment or stay the night in this summery house of middle school memory. Thoughts of my bed wooed me.

At a quarter to one in the morning, I pulled on my jeans and crammed my boots onto my feet. With a glorious sending off of good byes, I slowly plowed my way out into the gusty night. The snow did not seem much higher than before except that it coated every surface. With snowflakes trying to imbed themselves into my face and my feet dragging through the weight of the snow, I slowly made my way back to my apartment. As I walked on an invisible sidewalk that I had to trust the existence of, I was struck by the hush of the world. Nothing moved except a million little white blurs. There were no cars on the usually semi-busy four lane road. It was almost quiet. It was odd.

For a moment, I stopped midway. Unable to fully turn my head because of my scarf, I did a slow turn about myself. It was eerie.

“This is what it must be like to be alone in the world. This is what it would feel like if the world ended and I was the only one left.”

It was odd and uncomfortable. Momentarily, I wondered if I was suddenly alone in the world. Cold breath of reality filled my lungs when I happily saw the headlights of a huge truck lumbering down the road. I jauntily continued my trek.

Upon returning to my dorm, I swiped into the building, greeted my roommates, and was in the process of removing my winter gear when the door alarm sounded. I jumped. With a look of horror, I rushed out of my room to see that the bank of snow that I had walked through when I had opened the door had kept the door jarred. Firmly, I grasped the handle of the door and yanked it shut. Cringingly, I returned to my room expecting at any moment to be jumped by some angry dorm-mate who had been woken by my stupidity.

My snow day began late and lovely at the hour of ten. Sleepily, I rolled out of bed and happily greeted my roommates. Being practical women, we all shot for productivity with a mixture of fun. In a strange conglomeration of film and paper, I finished an action movie while reading bits and pieces of David Copperfield. Breakfast was inconsequential. Lunch delighted me since one of my roommates and I combined our culinary skills to fashion a chicken-rice-pea-with-white-sauce-creation. A group of eleven friends procured dinner at the college student favorite of Tradewinds.

The evening closed with a game of Jenga 32 layers tall which is almost twice the size of the original tower. Many students had gathered in the lobby of the Lodge to play games, watch movies, work on homework, and talk. Contentedly, we interacted in the safety of the Lodge with a view of the fluffy stark landscape.

Around midnight, the fairy tale of a snow day struck out. Reality came prancing back into our minds. Homework must be finished. Thursday would come and it would be demanding. The shimmering hours of magic left and the freezing cold of reality returned gripping us students by our necks.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Inhale Grace, Exhale Gratitude

“When I create my exams, I always make them with the intent that no student can get an ‘A’.” stated my eccentric professor. Dr. Scott Johnson paced about the quiet classroom of his new Speech students while he explained his teaching style. Unfortunately distracted by his ostentatious tie and this statement, I found it difficult to fathom these words that came from his mouth. Furiously, my mind screamed, “What is he saying?! He has no right to make failure his students’ only option. That’s a ridiculous! If I can’t get an ‘A’, why should I try??”

Upon exiting Johnson’s class, I called my mother and ranted to her over this strange way of teaching. Finally, I gritted my teeth and I said, “Mom, I’m going to get an ‘A’. I’m not going to just roll over and give up.” That first semester in Dr. Scott Johnson’s class was a struggle. His spontaneity and flexibility in class schedule was something that I was taken aback by. Sure, homeschooling had required a certain amount of flexibility and spontaneity. However, I had never expected to find a teacher who taught his class with such a real world focus.

As Johnson’s style of teaching befuddled college students, cancer re-attacked Johnson’s life. Even during Johnson’s most difficult days, he always chose to reflect Jesus. Johnson clung to the phrase, “Inhale grace, exhale gratitude.” I never understood the weight of that phrase. It sounded nice and it was concise. The phrase sat well on the tongue. Of course, there were many days where Johnson close to tears would inhale a deep trembling breath and then slowly exhale. As he did, Johnson would whisper those accompanying words. Thinking about it now, I think those words helped Johnson to refocus on Jesus Christ rather than himself.

For the past three years, I have participated in a class in which Johnson taught speech, oral interpretation, or persuasion. None of those classes fit the mold of an ordinary class. Often, the syllabi were represented solely by the necessary Bethel rules of no plagiarism and cell phones. By my third class with Johnson, most of his shock factor had worn off and had been replaced by a knowing smirk every time he threw the class a curve ball. While other students would not show up for class or complain about Johnson’s odd teaching, I considered myself to be similar to Old Faithful. On days that class was cancelled, I would enter the empty classroom and stare silently at the blank white board with the class cancellation scribbled across the board. My heart mourned. Each class cancellation signified an emergency or scheduled chemotherapy treatment. Although thankful for some extra time to myself, I could never celebrate those cancelled class times.

On my midterm, Johnson gave me a full hundred points. Two years earlier in utter frustration with a professor, who made success seemingly impossible, I chose to work hard. Every class that I took with Johnson challenged me. Not only did Johnson have a propensity to the strange and the weird, he valued challenges. Johnson continually wanted his students to be inspired to thought. He did that on a daily basis. Never have I been so excited to receive a full one hundred points on an exam. I almost pasted this hard earned “A” exam on my refrigerator like a proud five year old.

On January 3rd, 2011, Dr. Scott Johnson passed into eternity. He left a Legacy.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Hair Today (continued)

A year ago, today, I shaved my head. Well, I was only able to shave my head with the aid of my friends. The shaving of my head stirred up many negative feelings within loved ones and worried others. At the time, I had many reasons as to why I should do this. I thought it would help me fight my vanity. I thought it would be a good growing experience. I thought I would have a better understanding of what women go through who lose their hair through illness or cancer. I’m a person who likes reasoning. Therefore, I had reasoning. Well, within the hours of shaving my head, all those reasons seemed to fly out the window. I was hairless and reasonless. I had nothing to cling to except my resolve. My hair was gone.

Perhaps, some of my reasons still hold. Yet, honestly, I cannot say why I shaved my head. I hesitate to claim that God might have placed that thought in my head so that I could further learn to trust and surrender to Him. Whether it was wrong or right, it’s what I did. As my hair has grown, God has challenged me to further trust and surrender to Him. God has used this situation for growth.

Shaving my head has taught me many things. I still find long hair beautiful and I look forward to having my long hair back. Yet, I definitely appreciate super short hair that women sport occasionally. I’ve been there. Shaving my head exposed many areas in my life that needed working on. Suddenly, I became aware of relationships that were not as good as I believed them to be. I had an almost tangible example of how actions and words can influence close relationships. In my desire to shave my head, I deeply wounded some of the dearest people to me. Most of that wounding came from miscommunication and lack of communication. I cannot be proud of that.

And yet, shaving my head was like a rebirth. My lack of hair put me in a new place of trust. Some days, it was very hard to get up and go out into the world. As I began considering options for the summer, I knew that my lack of hair would not aid to my interviewing process at all. So I prayed. I had to trust that God was going to give me direction. As summer approached and time shortened, my summer possibilities became less and less. I still trusted that God would provide summer plans. He did. During the summer of 2010, I went on The Experience with Kingdom Building Ministries. The picture that I sent in to them with my application showed me with about 2 cm of hair.

Shaving my head also began me on an obvious pathway of surrender. When I shaved my head, I surrendered myself to many stereotypes and negative thoughts by people of every age. I was at the mercy of their prejudices. In those moments, I had to trust that Jesus would shine through my life. In those moments, I had to surrender to Jesus my pride and desire to look good. I had to stop putting stock in what other people thought of me. That is never an easy process. In those first couple of weeks, I had to learn to cling to the promises of God and His thoughts about His children.

It’s been a hair journey. It has been a joy to watch my hair grow back in. I’ve discovered that my hair has some leanings towards loose curls and waves. It pleases me to watch my hair slowly curl around my face. A couple of days ago, I got my hair trimmed so I would lose the mullet. I’ve got a nice sleek bob. No one would guess where I was a year ago in hair length.

Through all of this, I am thankful. I am thankful that hair grows. I’m thankful that I have learned more about trusting and surrendering. I am thankful for the people that stood by me through the difficult times with encouragement upon their lips even if they didn’t really understand why I had shaved my head. Through the pain of those times, I learned many things. I’m sorry for hurting those who I love and even those I might not love. I’m sorry for the confusion that I caused. I’m sorry for not communicating like I should have. I am thankful, though, for this time in my life because I have learned so much about healing relationships and loving people.

I also figured out that I adore short hair. Give me a couple of years after I’ve had my fill of long hair and I’ll probably donate those long locks to Locks of Love again in exchange for a short pixie cut. Just as hair grows, we grow in our understanding of the world and the people around us.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Yellow Hermit House

There was a day where I was set on being a hermit living in a yellow cabin with a big dog. This was my happy place. It was a simple place. This was where it would always be sunny and laughter filled.

It's still a fond thought.

However, I could not imagine utterly isolating myself from people even to devote myself to writing. It would be a rather boring existence and what more...I would be confined to live in the reality or unreality of my brain for the extent of my isolation. My brain, though I love it, is a torturous place.

My yellow hermit house is not dead.

It's still a dream.

And maybe, I'll vacation there even if I might not live there.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Light a Candle

Even amongst the commercialism of Christmas, this time of the year is holy to me. I feel as though I walk on holy ground always as snow covers the blemishes of the world. Music is holy. It sets the tone of the heart. The lyrics below are from my favorite Christmas song "Light a Candle" by Avalon.


light a candle
for the woman who is lonely
and every Christmas is the same

for the children who need
more than presents can bring

light a candle
light the dark
light the world
light a heart or two
light a candle for me
I'll light a candle for you

light a candle
for the homeless and the hungry
a little shelter from the cold

light a candle
for the broken and forgotten
may the season warm their souls

can we open our eyes
to shine through the dark

light a candle
light the dark
light the world
light a heart or two
light a candle for me
I'll light a candle for you

and in this special time of year
may peace on earth surround us here
and teach us there's a better way to live
and with every (every) flame that burns
we must somehow learn
that love's the greatest gift
that we could ever give.....

light a candle
light the dark
(light the world)
light the world
(light a heart or two)
light a heart or two
light a candle for me
i'll light a candle for you
light a candle (oh yea)
light the dark (everybody needs a light)
light the world
light a heart or two
light a candle for me )
I'll light a candle for you
light candle for me
I'll light a candle for you
light a candle for me
I'll light a candle for you