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Friday, June 8, 2012

Uncommitted Anonymous

I crossed my legs. And then, re-crossed them. Sitting on the couch with my new host family, I tried to engage in the conversation that the mom and dad were having. I tapped my foot. My eyes kept drifting towards the bathroom. They'll all look at me if i move.
Little T thumped across the wood floor with a high-pitched squeal bungee jumping from his lips. His older brother, Nah, stood inches away from the television fixated on his Lego Star Wars wii. No one paid me any mind. Just move, Barbara.
I spread my fingers out on my knee and carefully scrutinized my finger nails. A bit of yellow nail polish still clung to one nail. I picked at it. Then, I re-crossed my legs and squeezed them tightly together. Little T bumped into my leg and smiled his brilliant partially-toothed grin into my face. He toddled away. Taking a deep breath, I stood intent on following his two foot lead.
Shutting myself up in the bathroom, I perched on the toilet. I just didn’t want to commit to peeing. I leaned to my right so only half of me touched the toilet. And then, I realized. This is ridiculous. Commit already.
And I sat. fully committed. On the toilet. To pee. And I laughed.
Hi, my name’s Barbara and I have a commitment problem. I hate sitting on the toilet because that means I’ll have to get back up. I hate sitting down to write because I’m not actively involved in the world and must be wasting time. I hate choosing something to make for dinner because then I actually have to make it. And people wonder. And these are just the small daily commitments. I prefer to think of them as quirks.
What is it about commitment to anything that makes us fear? What is it about comfort zones that just seem so right? So secure and so good?
Struck by this wondering, I sat and purged myself of everything I feared in list form. Do it. Sit down and ask yourself what you fear. Once written down, those monumental fears are contained in tiny words that can be erased. Facing my fear in writing was freeing. Then, I could see it apart from myself. Yet, they were still scary, looming, and throat-squeezing.
And then, I wrote another list. In my second list, I wrote down the crazy things that I’ve done—those things that don’t belong in the comfortable. You should probably do this list, too. It makes me grin. It makes me feel wild. It makes me feel alive and unstoppable.
Oh? Did you want to see my lists?
Aw, yes. I wouldn’t mind showing them to you; however, I think you should make your own list. And honestly, if I know anything about the humankind, our lists will look extremely similar. And I know this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with commitment. Yet, I think it does. We needed to be committed to ourselves and delving into the things that make us uncomfortable and the things that scare us…like commitment. To do anything, we had to decide that we were going to do it.
Happy Thinking and Committing!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

and The Plan is...

"So now that you're graduated, what are your plans?"
I join my fellow graduates in the starry-eyed, blank stare. We blink. We respond, "That's a great question." Quick. Check the attentivity (I am aware that this is not a "real" word) of our audience before rambling into our long monologue of options that have only a 10% chance of happenstance.
Courtesy of here
For the past 22 years of my existence, I've been riding the always ascending escalator of education. And now, I have been ceremoniously (remember that terribly long graduation ceremony with all its Pomp and Circumstance) dumped off the top of this escalator of education. I thought this education was going somewhere. Now, I'm left milling around in a vacant warehouse that leads to everywhere (ever hear the overly-optimistic admonition "the whole world is open to you"?). If the whole world is in fact open to me, where are all the employers beckoning me and travel agencies offering to fly me around the world? Oh, I see them...over there getting swarmed by other college graduate hopefuls. Hmm. Okay. Well, I could crawl through all the feet to get to Dream Employers and Travelers...or I could do something else...
Huh. What's this? I'm looking down at my feet to see bits of paper all over this echoing warehouse full of recent grads trying to find where the whole world is open. I pick one up.
"Meet Mr. Right, Get Married right out of school."
I pick up another.
"Graduate with a job offer to Random House."
And another.
"Become a teacher."
Bits of dreams scattered around this warehouse where all dreams are supposed to come true, but it only appears that these dreams have been discarded--left behind to be crushed under foot.
Welcome to Life. Dream Crusher. Reality Mover.
Depressing, right? So now that my dreams have been crushed and my plans disintegrated, where do I go from here? And I'm wandering around staggered from the sudden lack of upward climb that has been dragging me through life's existence for years--now, what.
All along. There's been no plan. My parents didn't have a plan. Ha. That's why my dad's maxim is "one day at a time." That totally makes sense.
So what's my plan? Hmmm. I'm going to get married tomorrow. To who? Eh. Whatever. One day at a time. Maybe I'll go back to school or nanny...or dance in the rain...or something. I'll do something. Nope, I'm not worried. Everyone's making it up as they go. I will, too.
So my plan. I have no plan.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Jobs

"He doesn't have a job."
I wonder why that causes such a problem. Upon hearing this phrase, there is an instant loss of respect. People find their worth and the worth of others in their jobs.
"He doesn't have a job."
It sounds like you just accused this person of being a bum. You argue that this is not what you said. I know you didn't. But, you definitely implied it. What I'm hearing is that a jobless individual must be lazy, irresponsible, and not smart.
"He doesn't have a job."
I'm sure this happens--where a person gets turned down for a job because they are over-qualified. How frustrating it must be to not get a job because you are "too smart." And then, everyone judges your worth on the fact that you do not have a job thinking that you just do not have the smarts.
"She doesn't have a job."
Stay-at-home mothers get a lot of grief for their "jobless" position. It's like to say that you are a stay-at-home mom that you must be "pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen." Interestingly enough, it seems to me that stay-at-home moms are generally pretty decently educated and could be career women but chose to stay at home. It's not a jobless position.
Sooooo...these American values...
Yeah, so those American values where a man's brains and worth are measured in their ability to hold a job. I'm questioning it. American culture is based on materialism. Welcome to the land where what you have is worth more than you especially when you're jobless.
Found here

Friday, March 30, 2012

I wonder at myself

I wonder at myself. What has happened to me? I used to be such an avid blogger with at least ten blogs per week. What has happened?

And then, senior year happened with a vengeance.

I type this to you make-up-less, sleep-less, paper-less (meaning that I haven't written the paper that I was meant to write), but friend-full.

I'm not done with this year yet; but, it has been deliciously good.

And if you've spent a moment wondering at my disappearance, don't worry too long but just nod your head in understanding of the craziness of life.

May the end of your March be fanciful and the beginning of your April lived by faith.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Captivation: Ruth

Like every other little girl in my Sunday school class, I wanted to find a Bible story heroine to emulate. Esther was too fancy and dramatic for me. My sister already shared judge Deborah’s name so I couldn’t choose her. Sarah laughed at God—probably not a good example to follow. And then, I met Ruth.

She shared my grandmother’s name. She was loyal, persistent, faithful, trusting, and lovely. In times of difficulty rather than choose the security of her father’s home and possible remarriage, she bound herself to Naomi. Why would she do that? Naomi freed her, but Ruth persisted. Why would Ruth choose to go to Bethlehem and possibly never return to her people? Why would Ruth choose to be the distrusted foreigner and the willing servant of Naomi? Why would Ruth choose Yahweh?

I didn’t know. I wanted to know. And so every year, I come back to the story of Ruth. And each time, I love her more. To me, Ruth lives out the definition of a Proverbs 31 woman although for the majority of her story we only know her as a widow. Life has been hard for her; yet, she still chooses to trust in Naomi and ultimately Yahweh.

My sophomore year at Bethel sitting under a mosquito net in Jarabocoa, Dominican Republic, I threw myself into the Bible. Rather than being a part of the Bethel experience like all of my friends, I lived with a Dominican family, struggled with a new language, and taught preschoolers in this new language. It was hard. I thought I would love every second of it. I didn’t. Paul’s letters comforted me even from 2000 years away. And Ruth, she gave me perspective.

I saw her working the fields of Boaz missing her family and the land where she was accepted. I saw Ruth’s tears that surely sprinkled the ground of the fields in her weaker moments as she realized that she would never return to Moab. When people called her cruel names, I recognized her resolute tensing of jaw and her eyes trained forward. I felt joy bloom in my own heart as Boaz showed her favor.

And I knew that in less than three months, I would return to my family, my country, my comfort zone—but forever leave Ruth in her foreign land. No longer would I deal with culturally confusing and bemusing things, but Ruth was destined to continue her struggle. Yet, Ruth had new hopes and dreams founded in this land where she would still always be stamped a foreigner simply because of her physical appearance. Ruth was different. So was I—in the D. R. She comforted me with her steadfastness. She set an example of cheerful obedience. She caused me to ask the question, “Would I voluntarily leave my family and culture forever to follow God?”

I don’t know. I do know that I desire to surrender the entirety of my life to Yahweh. If that means truly fulfilling the meaning of the name Barbara, so be it. As 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “And we, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” I want to live a life unveiled before man and God so that all may see my transformation into His image.

Ruth lived out quiet surrender of her own desires. For most of my life, I have hated the word “surrender”. To me, it was weakness. To me, it meant allowing others to call you mean names. No, I wanted to be a strong, independent woman. Imagine my surprise when I looked over my life and realized that every good thing in my life came after I surrendered.

Ruth surrendered her old life. She resigned whatever reputation she had in her own land. Ruth submitted her hopes of marriage to a Moab man when she left. She yielded to her mother-in-
law’s dreams of home. Voluntarily, Ruth relinquished the security of her culture.

God noted all of this. He raised her up. He gave her Boaz. He blessed their marriage
with children. And then, God permitted her to be a part of the bloodline for Jesus.

When I see Ruth’s life and her voluntary surrender, I recognize a woman that I want to emulate. As a side note, Ruth’s name means “friendship” stemming from Hebrew. I wonder if her name was always Ruth or if she was renamed.

courtesy of Loaves&Fishes

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leaping Lemurs, it's Leap Day!

There's been a lot of leaping around here recently.

1. It's Leap Day
2. Gases prices have leaped up.
3. The crazy wind made my skirt leap and gallivant around my legs Marilyn Monroe style.
4. My sister's cell took a leap into the toilet. Bye, Bye, phone.
5. There's probably been a leap in C-sections today.
6. I wonder if any ladies took the movie Leap Year's advice of proposing to their fiance today.

Since it's Leap Day, I suggest you do a surprise leap all of a sudden just because! Do it soon. Leap Day is almost over!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Loving Lana

(courtesy of printable coupons)

Sitting at a table for two at Eat ’N Park, Lana checked her fingernails. She could still see the flash of hurt shining in Jena’s eyes even though Jena probably sat in her cubicle busily calling clients and organizing data. It’s not like I meant to hurt her. It was a joke.

After all, everyone knew Jena and Alex would never sleep together. I’d sleep with him.

“Miss, here’s your Grilled Chicken Salad. Can I get you anything else?”

Shaking her head, Lana waved the blue-mascaraed waitress away. How about a tall blonde male with kind blue eyes and a hankering for some Southern loving? Yeah, I thought that was a high order, too.

Pulling lightly on her earlobe, Lana bowed her head and whispered to her salad. “I just want to be loved and to love. Is that so hard?”

Stabbing the salad with her fork, she took a bite tasting the vinegar. Ever since Jena started, she gets all the attention. Victoria praises her by piles of work. Okay, I’m not jealous of that.

And Alex, the love of her life, dates Jena. A taste more bitter than vinegar crept into Lana’s mouth.

“Is everything all right, Miss?”

Lana nodded glancing up at Blue Mascara to realize that she had been practically growling at her salad. The waitress placed a takeout box on the table with the check.

“Actually, may I have a to-go box as well? The takeout is for a friend.”

I just called Jena a friend.